Firsa (roofshadow) wrote,

Love letters

When I was about 14 years old I did something I cannot believe I ever found the courage to do. It still seems like a memory from a TV show rather than from my own life, but I actually did this.

I wrote a long love letter to my crush confessing my feelings.

We had only attended school together for one year, sixth grade. I hadn't seen him in the intervening years but I kept track of him as well as one could back before you could facebook stalk someone. I knew he had gone to live with his dad and sussed out his middle school. I heard about him on very rare occasions from a mutual friend. And, I looked up his dad's address in the phone book so that I could do this big thing, send him a love letter.

I had never told any of my crushes that I liked them, and I think I never did so again but somehow this idea got ahold of me and it seemed like a surmountable risk...

I suppose I thought I was very adult and mature as a high school student (or almost) and that I would impress him with my no pressure affection. I would just tell him how much I admired him and let him know I expected nothing from him (of course, after years apart) but that if he ever wanted to write me, he totally could.

I chose my very prettiest stationery. (I am fairly sure this involved some notecards with pastel floral patterns and cute forest creatures.) I wrote out the letter several times to make sure my penmanship was as beautiful as possible and nothing was scratched out and every word was perfect.

Then I popped it in the mail.

I seem to recall later, (how much later I am not sure) that same mutual friend told me he thought it was a very sweet gesture. (What a gentleman!) He never wrote. I have never seen him since I was eleven years old. At the time I consoled myself that it was not such a bad thing to have made someone feel better about themselves. Who doesn't like being told they are loved?

Today I suddenly remembered that letter and I wondered, is it still out there? Probably not. I have boxes and boxes of letters and notes and old birthday cards but that's not the norm. It probably got tossed over two decades ago. But is it possible that he remembers that letter? Does it come to mind once in a great while? Does he recall that once upon a time there was a little girl who thought he was peachy-keen? I hope he does. I'd like him to have that little boost on a day when nothing is going right. On days when I doubt my own strength and passion, I'd like to remember that brave little girl too.

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